Back in 2012, when i was busy hating IITs and exams; I realised that I forgot the joy of being successful on achieving something that I dreamt off.Also, to express myself I wrote a poem http://saikrishnadeep.com/gods-reply/ back then where I assumed I would never get a taste of real success.
On June 15th 2013. I officially made to the CMI List and that was my short-term goal.Having achieved it, I did feel happy for a few hours and then it was replaced by a rather empty feeling.A feeling of helplessness. For the first time, I felt like getting back to books and pursuing more on the subject rather than sitting back and relaxing. Eventually, I worked on the game theory of a popular game that I played at my friend's home called "Guess Who?". (I'll make a pdf sometime soon and publish it). When I look back at the year 2012-2013,which I dropped.I would never EVER complain because this thirst for math was discovered over the year and I wouldn't know how much I would repent in the future had I not decided to take this decision. This was one such relief after that day.
Anyway..I'm not going to change the topic that easily :P.. Getting back to my empty feeling. There were a few reasons I shortlisted for this feeling.
You see, my friend, Krishnendu Ray who was very similar to me in aspirations didn't clear CMI. I was surprised as to how he didn't make it while i made it. (Trust me, he is excellent when it comes to Olympiad math.Probably among the top 50 in the country). So there i was, in bed, wondering how he would be feeling because i was moreorless in the same situation last year. I questioned the decisions of the world. Is that he was destined to greatness? Is he being tested by the world? Does he have something bigger lined up for his future? Even though i knew he was an optimist, i wasn't certain how he would take this stimuli in, therefore i kept my cool and waited for him to contact me. After he sent me an SMS saying "Congratulations on CMI, mate :)" I was really happy that he still kept hope.Immediately i called him to know of his options apart from CMI. Though he was on a low note he "seemed" normal and i didn't want to ruin his mood. So i kept the conversation short and neat.
I was back to my daydreaming wondering how a person with a few examination skills got through whereas on the other hand, a person with a good subject related skill set couldn't make though a MERE Paper Exam. It gives me goosebumps as to what level the paper based examination changes the scope of a person's life. For all we know, thousands of other young mathematicians of our world are being left out in these exam based assessments this very minute. From one topic to another, soon my head swirled towards how a good assessment of a student can be made without paper and also in a time constrain. I'll come back to this some other time. (The point is, a chain of thoughts can start from anywhere and you might end up with something entirely different and interesting 🙂 )
Having analysed my friend's remorse i moved on to other possible reasons for my emptiness. And.. Scroll down to the bottom to know what he is doing now.
Is it possible that I was being a competitor? Is that I lost the meaning of my life after the examination was done? Is it that my life so far was ONLY about this exam? Well.. If you do know me well,then you would know that these reasons were like the seven sins of christianity to me.(The IITians @_@) I was hoping these weren't true. It would be devastating to be among that kind of peer group with that ideology. So after a few analysis, i realised i was no where close to them and that was a BIG relief to me. Having cleared this barrier, i moved on to other possibilities.
I didn't have internet for a few months now.The thought that I wasn't being productive in the holidays was a big blow to me.If there is anything that i missed about my life was that.. The Internet. Every night when i go to bed, i think about the various possibilities on the internet, the programming languages, web designing, monetizing, blogging and what not. I loved browsing and gathering more information about the fields i like. Clearly, this was something quite visibly shown after the result came out. I planned a lot. I wanted to learn a couple of programming languages, start a few monetizing blogs, create a small startup.. well.. the list goes on and on. Since this feeling was quite evident, i made sure i come over here (My cousin's house) to type this out and to express all my other thoughts which are on the brink of getting extinct. (Hopefully not :P)
Hmm.. Now lets see.. I felt these were the main culprits for my emptiness. But there was this last point which occurred to me while bathing today. Is it possible that i actually missed talking to my parents? I did take some time on this one. And after a few fights over the smallest of things possible, i would say.. Nah 😛 .. That part of me has long gone.I don't think i can associate myself with family anymore.
I hope blogging about this has made my head and heart much clearer. 😀
And as far as "Krishnendu" is concerned.. 😉